Hey Y’all, Hey!

First things first, let me lay down my disclaimers: As a Black woman, I LOVE BLACK MEN. AND I THINK BLACK LOVE IS INCREDIBLE.

NO INDEED, I DO NOT HATE BLACK MEN. AND I AM NOT AN ANGRY BLACK WOMAN. BUT… in honor of the start of cuffing season (you know, when folks start linking up because the weather's getting cold…), I’m about to talk my -ish!

But before I dive in, let me lay down my qualifications real quick (because people like to tussle). I’ve been married for nearly 19 years to a Black man. I’ve also been low-key doing couples counseling professionally for about 5 to 6 years, on and off, predominantly with Black couples. On top of that, my husband and I have mentored many Black couples and have facilitated premarital counseling in faith-based settings for several years. So trust me, I’ve seen some things—SOME CRAZY THINGS!

I ain’t got all the answers... but I’m definitely going to tell you what I do know!

Over the past two weeks, my husband and I had the opportunity to participate in a marriage vs. singles panel, and we’re currently leading an intensive for couples (which had us reviewing more about our own relationship). Through these experiences, we’ve been reminded of some powerful insights and had meaningful conversations that really stood out. Let me share a few things that came up (and there will probably be a part 2 cause' this is A LOT):

We’ve all heard it before—dating apps and online dating is PURE GARBAGE. It’s like wading through a sea of nonsense just to find someone halfway decent. You’re out here dodging ghosters, weird vibes, and stuck in the endless loop of ‘Good morning,’ ‘Good night,’ and that inevitable ‘What you doing?’ text for the 50th time (and that’s the PG version).

But here’s the harsh truth: Black men have more prospects and are given more grace when it comes to relationships. For them, certain considerations are waived, making it easier to move forward, even when they’re not at their best.

Black women, on the other hand, are not afforded the same luxury. We’re statistically less likely to date outside of our race or ethnicity, leaving us with fewer options. And let’s be real—sometimes, out of desperation or just not knowing better at the time, Black women will accept a Black man no matter what shape he’s in, thinking love alone will be enough to fix it.

But let’s say you do make it through that wilderness. The relationship kicks off beautifully—honeymoon vibes all day. The first 3 to 6 months—or maybe even a year—of a relationship? Oh, it’s heavenly! We’re talking about all the sweet messages, late-night calls, and butterflies that make you feel like you’re living in a rom-com.

@mrscarpenter1 on Tiktok mrscarpenter1

But here’s the thing nobody tells you—the middle of the relationship is what really counts.

Sure, the beginning is all butterflies and bliss, but it’s the messy, complicated middle where the real work happens. 

That’s where all the hidden trauma and issues come up, front and center. And let’s be clear—love ain’t gonna fix that. When deeper issues are present, the flow of love gets stifled. In most cases, it’s not because Black men don’t care... it’s because they’re messed up. I mean MESSED UP, MESSED UP. They need mental, emotional, and social help themselves.

S/N: Love? Yeah, it’s nowhere on the chart when it comes to the health of a relationship’s values. Trust, respect, accountability—those are the real pillars.

To be continued…

At Dock Ships, we see "a future where African American women achieve social health & enjoy maximum wellness. 

#CAPEOFFLIVEON

Sharell D. Cannady, CEO of Docked Ships