It’s Love Week, so let’s talk about it (yes, the week where Valentine’s Day takes center stage, and relationship dynamics get real interesting. 👀)

Girl, whether you’re boo’d up, single, casually stalking a man 😂, or still healing from dealing with a silly one… this is for YOU! Tap in, ‘cause we’re breaking it ALL down this week. And don’t forget to follow us on Instagram—trust me, you don’t wanna miss this tea! 

 

 

Yes! You’ve got the degrees, the career, the ambition, and the ability to turn chaos into a strategic plan—but why do your romantic relationships always feel like a one-woman show? Like you’re giving and giving… and giving…?

Now, one thing about Black women—especially my high-achieving, overfunctioning sisters—we stay out here doing the absolute MOST in relationships. Carrying the emotional load, planning ev’rythang’, reminding grown men about their own mama’s birthday… only to be called controlling or bossy. 

And I wanna talk about WHY—so I wrote a song about it. 🎤 Like to hear it? Here it go… 🎶😂

 

 And before you say, "But if I don’t do it, it won’t get done!"—I hear you. But let’s unpack this, because you NEED relationship, not a responsibility.

 

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The Habit of Carrying the Whole Relationship

High-achieving, overfunctioning Black women don’t just fall into leadership—we default to it. It’s instinct. And if we’re being honest, many of us are attracted to underfunctioning partners—not on purpose, but because we’ve been conditioned to handle things. And... (I guess this is Who Dat in the Back – Part 2! 👀🔥 If you missed Part 1, don’t worry—I got you! Click here to catch up).

WHAT SEAN SAID (from Who Dat in the Back – Part 1)

According to Sean, high achievers and mid- or low-level performers ADMIRE one another. He said they are often drawn to each other because they represent what the other lacks.

 

You might think, “He just needs a little guidance,” but sis… if you’re the GPS, the driver, AND the road maintenance crew, that man is just along for the ride.

 

And the wildest part? The more you do, the more he assumes you got it. Before you know it, you’re burnt out, wondering why you feel so unseen, unheard, and unsupported.

 

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 The Emotional Labor Trap

Listen, I love Black women. Lord knows I do.

 

We will see a man’s inner child, his potential, his past trauma, and his entire healing journey—before he even knows his favorite color. But let’s be real: emotional labor is labor.

You’re not just listening—you’re coaching. You’re not just understanding—you’re unpacking generational trauma like you got a PhD in his childhood. And why? Because NOBODY did it for you, so now you think this is bonding.

No ma’am. This is codependency. And before you ask—yes, this is why you’re exhausted. 

I mean, don’t get me wrong—you can know about a person. But let’s be real… we be out here trying to fast-track his healing, fix his problems for him (cause let’s be honest, we usually do know the way 👀), or assuming he’s got it all handled just because he seems put together in a few areas of life.

And then we tell ourselves, 'We can grow together.' But girl… growing together don’t mean you gotta be the gardener, fertilizer, and the whole darn greenhouse.

Yes, you are loving. Yes, you are kind. And yes, you don’t want anyone to feel the way you felt in the past. But listen… he ain’t you, and this ain’t that.

Just because you pour out all that emotional labor doesn’t mean it automatically promotes reciprocity. In other words, just because you give doesn’t mean you’ll get the same in return.

 

 

 

And it’s not even like we start out thinking that way… but whew, the second we start getting mad, here comes the receipts! 😩📜

Now we running down the list of ev-er-y-thing we done did and didn’t get credit for—
✔️ All the emotional support 💆🏾‍♀️
✔️ All the times we anticipated his needs before he even had a thought
✔️ All the work we put in just for him to act like it was nothing

 

 And truth be told—it does not work like that in the first place (there are so many factors involved).

I don’t care what all these podcasters say, what those relationship books claim, or what folks keep twisting Proverbs 31 into… I have way too many opinions on how the relationship lessons we were taught are toxic to us.

 

Especially if we are performing service for connection.

 

 

All the while, we out here being patient, kind, and forgiving—while we’re hurting the whole time. 😩 Trying to be the bigger person, swallowing our feelings, telling ourselves 'It’s fine, I just gotta give grace.'

But let’s be real… for high-achieving women, that just leads to resentment. Because we don’t forget—we just add it to the list and keep pushing… until one day, we’re TIRED.

 

Because 'If he wanted to, he would' DOES NOT apply to every situation—ESPECIALLY when he messed up.

Please see: BAY-BEE!! Black Men Need to Come with Advisory Labels Included! Click here to get into it!

 

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 The Answer

 

Instead of doing all that… what if we just be?

Being human—with complicated feelings that deserve to be acknowledged and accepted. Sitting with them ourselves first, before expecting anyone else to.

No fuss. No fluff. Just us—regulated, healing, and finally free from trauma bonding. Learning to be emotionally safe with ourselves first. 💜✨